I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
