seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
