I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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