He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
