i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
