I will die if light touches me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
