I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize