shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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