we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
