he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
