I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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