I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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