that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
