i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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