Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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