one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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