Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
