i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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