I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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