Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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