I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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