You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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