I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
