There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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