We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
