His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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