Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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