i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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