Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
