good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
