im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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