Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
