You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
