one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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