you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
