I'm pants shitting drunk right now
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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