im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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