I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
