true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
