Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
