Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
even my farts smell like vagina
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize