bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
