my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
