Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
