update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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