Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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