I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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