I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
