wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
