He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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