New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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