he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
