just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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