You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I supernannyed him into submission
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
