I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i think i just lost a toe
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
