sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
